I’m in a strange place… though I’ve been here before.
Where once I leapt upon myself as my own worst enemy to my prey, I’ve somehow learned to tame my claws.
I could go on and on about my faults… all the failures of these last two years. Feeling like I’m not living up to who I want to be.
But as one of my best friends reminded me recently, healing is messy.
Healing takes time.
Healing isn’t pretty.
It’s why I’ve opened myself up in this way to share more about my life than just my art (which in itself is art—it’s complicated.)
It’s part of the process, which often goes unseen when the focus is on the outcome. The final product.
I am an artwork in progress.
I’m learning to not tear myself down with blame and castigation. To be too critical and speak in harsh tongues of shoulds and shouldn’ts and “won’t you just shut up about it already?”
The work is never done until life is through with us.
Before I would have leapt upon myself… or leapt from a cliff. Perhaps this is what “maturity” is…
I’ve learned to live in this uncomfortable place I wander into sometimes as if in a disquieting dream.
But I know now I will find my way out again.
I just have to wait, turn in, and hold onto my heart and my soul for dear life… love myself like I’ve never been loved… look up to the sky and say, thank you—yes—even for this, too… because I am learning.
And I have learned to love myself, finally, even when I’m not where I want to be.